Coming out is a common dilemma among trans-feminine people and male crossdressers. It’s some sort of personal journey for each one of us, and until we are ready, we’ll face many other challenges. For those who haven’t come out of the closet yet, it would be particularly embarrassing for some family members to find it out the hard way.
To avoid making your family act unappreciative or even hostile towards you, I’d recommend you keep all your stuff well hidden. This can be achieved by making use of boxes and backpacks, as well as rethinking your way to shop online and receive your packages. Certain social behaviors can help you to crossdress out of sight, allowing you to present as a female without them knowing.
These methods can make all the difference between keeping it a secret and getting caught. So, if you haven’t come out as trans or crossdresser yet, my goal here is to help you in your journey, teaching you how to avoid embarrassing situations.
1. Buying feminine clothes in a discreet manner
You firstly need to find out the best way to buy your clothes. If you are a beginner, don’t start with anything too fancy, because big clothes (such as dresses) can be hard to hide. Shapewear, skirts, or underwear, in general, are good options, due to their small size. Most crossdressers start up with lingeries and wigs. Yet, this last one is a bit complicated to maintain as a secret.
To avoid people from finding out, you need to do so in a very discreet manner, leaving no traces behind. With that said, avoid shopping from a family or school/work computer. I recommend shopping from your smartphone or another personal device. But remember to clean both your purchase and search histories. Another recommendation is to create another email and come up with a new name for your feminine side. This will be known as your “crossdresser name”, and I recommend you use it every time you buy something like that.
Choose your payment method with caution. If your preference is using a credit card for payment, use your own or request a new one, even though you’ll need to use your real name. PayPal and other cash apps are great to pay in a more anonymous way, as you can clear your transaction history as well. Avoid using shared accounts, so you won’t have to justify your purchases.
To receive your packages safely, choosing another address is also recommended. You can ask for a delivery to the address of one of your ally friends, for example, and pick it up with them later.
Or, you can also request a Post Office box, so you can collect it anonymously in the mail. P.O. boxes are quite useful because they will hold your package there until you are able to retrieve it yourself. But keep in mind that this particular method is more effective for deliveries in your own country. That’s because international purchases might need your real name for customs clearance. Also, not every Post Office has this kind of feature, consider driving a few miles if needed.
2. Storage issues
Once you buy and receive your beloved feminine clothes and crossdressing items, let us think about storing them. I personally keep my stash well hidden within an old backpack in my closet. But that’s because I know no one enters there.
You can get creative and use boxes, bags, and pretty much anything you can fit your clothes inside. Try to keep them in places where it wouldn’t raise suspicions, such as in the attic or inside your car’s trunk. The secret is to blend them in with the environment, hiding them in plain sight.
Wigs are a bit more difficult to store because they can be easily damaged and require extra care. To avoid entanglements and hair loss on your wigs, it’s ideal to keep them on a wig stand or a wig hanger. However, if you can’t really risk it, involve your wig within a couple of hairnets, and carefully put it in a box. Makeup can be hidden almost anywhere, as long as it’s far from moisture and heat.
Enlisting the help of a friend can also solve the problem, especially if said friend is an ally or someone that came out. You could ask them to keep your stuff safe and visit them when you want to dress up. Of course, it may limit your flexibility, but it also reduces the chances of being caught to near zero. Your choice depends on your context, and each situation varies for each person, Therefore, calmly try figuring out the best way that suits you.
Dressing up and practicing makeup skills at home is great to improve your appearance. Yet, this might not be enough to deal with dysphoria or fulfill your needs. Besides that, if you happen to be caught crossdressing at home, the consequences can be harsh and extra embarrassing. With that in mind, let me help you to understand how we can overcome that by engaging in a variety of activities as a crossdresser.
Costume parties, such as these we see during Halloween, are a great start to dress up. This way, you’ll be able to dress like whatever you want without judgment, testing how well you pass. It also helps you to build confidence and even come out, or at least go out as a woman more often. If you want to spice things up a bit, Gaming, Anime and Geek conventions are known for their cosplayers. Based on your choice, you can cosplay as a female character, taking part in what we call “cosplay”. These communities have often been reported to be very accepting of LGBTQIA+ people.
They are also generally supportive of crossdressers and cosplayers. They might compliment your creativity and confidence, so don’t worry about comments. You can also try to pass while you portray your favorite character from pop culture, which I find to be amazing.
Going out on more common occasions is also possible, so you don’t have to wait for the opportunities above. However, if you choose to do that, but don’t live alone and haven’t come out yet, things might be a little more complicated. It’s more recommended for you to do that with the help of an ally friend or other crossdressers you met online. You can use their houses as safe spaces to dress up before going out and change back before going home. The places you can frequent vary according to your city, but I have some general examples. Go to the movies, to a museum or even a library. In these places, people won’t pay too much attention to you (their focus will be on other stuff).
You can also try the local mall or a restaurant. The number of people there will help you to blend in, increasing your chances of passing. But be careful, considering the risks brought by COVID-19. It’s logical to point out that the farther you are from home, the harder it will be for you to be recognized.
4. Socialization as a crossdresser
Crossdressers are often seen socializing online. It’s the safest way to socialize for us since we can use our crossdresser names and avoid being recognized. This way, I assure you that you’ll be able to keep your crossdressing a secret for as long as you like! If you are new to this, I want to recommend to you the r/Crossdressing subreddit, the crossdressers.com forums and the pools at crossdresser heaven. Make sure to use the incognito mode (Ctrl+Shift+N) in your browser, as it’s far more effective than cleaning your search history.
If you want, you can socialize outside, dressed up as a female. You can go by yourself or with other crossdressers to increase your confidence, but it’s all up to you and your friends. Speaking of friends, I see this as an opportunity to come out to them if you want to, without alarming your family. Remember to stay safe, and keep in mind that socializing like this has a downside. If you are not out of the closet, you’ll have to get back to be a man before you come home.
So, as we’ve seen, you can keep your secrets and enjoy crossdressing at the same time. It all comes down to how careful, creative and confident you are. You should pay attention to how you buy your clothes, how to store them and when to wear them. You can take part in crossdressing communities and activities without raising suspicions. Establishing contact with other crossdressers and allies can make everything easier. Be confident and don’t allow anybody’s opinion to deter you from doing what you love because of prejudices and misconceptions. After all, it’s the expression of who you are, your true self!